I see the world through different eyes...
I see the world through different eyes. Some days my eyes are glazed over, making the world look foggy and blurred. The world doesn’t seem real. But what is “real”? Are you real? Am I real? This room? Are the flowers outside really flowers, or are they simply what I believe flowers should be? If I wanted to believe the sky was really red - I mean really, truly, deep down in the bottom of my heart believe the sky was red – could it be?
I see the world through a fog, through a tunnel. It’s like everything is distorted and nothing seems to quite be in the room with me. Everything is happening in some alternate universe that I have just tuned into on my TV, but the TV is in my brain. The TV channel doesn’t come in clearly but I’m just not able (or too lazy) to fix the antenna to make the channel come in cloudlessly. Occasionally the channel goes out completely and I’m left on my own for a while, with my own thoughts (if I happen to have any at the moment). And sometimes my thoughts take over and it doesn’t matter what is on the TV at the time, my brain shuts it off and takes over, going into overdrive, running through lists or examining past experiences. It seems I have no control over my own brain during these times, but I can gently try to bring it back to the television, turn it back on, and try to tune it back in the best I can.
Imagine seeing everything – people, places, events, the world, life, everything – through a fog, a cloud, a dirty lens. Imagine feeling like you’re never seeing things clearly. Like you’re never really experiencing things. Like you’re in a jumble of a dream that is your life and you don’t know how to make things clearer. Your television is missing that “clarity” knob and you can’t get things into focus. This isn’t the “normal” sense of lacking clarity that everyone except for the most enlightened experiences. This is in a class all its own. Part fatigue, part brain fog, part noodle soup, part orange Jello, part swiss cheese brain. All of this adds up to what it’s like to have a brain that just doesn’t seem to be “all there”.
I see the world through different eyes. Once in a blue moon (or more like a pink moon, if there’s such a thing, because I’m sure that’s less common) I have a moment where I can see things clearly, where the fog clears for an instant and I can see people and things the way they really are. It only lasts for an instant before things go back to the way they are, but it lasts long enough to give me a taste of how things could be and that’s enough to keep me fighting so that maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll have a whole life filled with moments like that.
Yours,
Penguini
posted by Penguini @ 2/05/2006 01:45:00 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
Ah yes, noodle soup . . . I wonder why that sounds familiar. It could possibly be the fact that soup is the only thing worth mentioning in my head. Last I heard, by brain was in Iceland . . . some suspect tracking down Lucy Diamond, though personally, I just think it sounds really nice there. Why would she be looking for her in Iceland anyway? If she was really on a Diamond hunt she should be in Barcelona.
I'm really glad the whole cheese/jello/foggy soup mixture is contained in your head, I can't imagine what that smells like . . . okay fine, I can, and it smells really bad . . . really extremely bad, I'm doing my best not to gag. Can you smell it? I mean it's inside your head, is it able to make its way to your nostrils? I really hope not. I hope that stuff is thick enough it doesn't drip out your ears or anything. Okay, that's kinda of . . . well completely disgusting. But in my defense I spent most of my night with guys. Super Bowl thing, not that I watched it, but I was one of (hang on a sec while I count) five girls (and by girls I mean me, my mom, my friend who is eleven, her mom, and another woman) and the guys . . . like ten of my brother's friends, some parents and siblings. Point being, I spend my night with a bunch of guys, the grossness rubs off.
I was going to somehow get to the point that my lense was kinda clearish tonight, but clearly, I have come in from the cold, blew on the lense to get a bit of dust off. Dust turned out to be a scratch (not too thrilled about that) and the lense fogged completely over because it was so cold. I'm actually speaking completely literally about my camera lense . . . but also, more about the fog than the lense. I'm not even making sense to myself anymore, I really should stop typing for both our sakes, I don't need to mess with your fog sludge.
Ya know, I really should blog on my own blog before I come here and comment. Because here I have a long . . . whatever you want to call it, and on my blog, there is nothing. Well not nothing, just nothing from today. There's just a weird entry I need to reread and I doubt anyone will comment on it, it's one of those ones that seems to leave people wondering what they're supposed to say. Don't feel like you need to comment either, unless you want to spam something about D.E.B.S. – that's definitely welcome.
lol I was going to sign my name, but you know who I am -- just one question though. How many Heathers do you know?
(I really hope this isn't longer than your post, that would be embarrassing)
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