I see your true colors...

When you live with a chronic illness 24/7, oftentimes your life doesn't feel like your life. Life for the most part doesn't become about what you want, what you'd like to do, what you choose. Instead, your body is in control most of the time. Waking up, the question isn't, "What would I like to do today?" It becomes, "How much energy do I have? What hurts? What is my body capable of doing today?" And many days there isn't even a question, there is simply a statement, "I have to stay in bed today." And many days revolve around trips to doctors - neurologists, gastroenterologists, primary care physicians, and a million other specialists whose appointments fill up the calendar. And in the midst of this predetermined life where you have so few real choices, a question pops up, "Who am I?"

This, of course, is one of the great questions that everyone asks themselves as they're growing up, becoming themselves, but for those growing up with a chronic illness it's different. A chronic illness has a way of becoming a blanket, a mask, taking over and becoming an identity that you never asked for. When you get sick before you've had a chance to create an identity for yourself, your left wondering how much of yourself is really you and how much is the illness. What would you be like if you weren’t sick? Would you still have this quirk or that silly habit? Who are you underneath the blanket this illness has placed on you?

All of these questions have been part of my thinking for a long time. I think for the most part I’ve given up figuring out who I’d be if I wasn’t sick because I’m not that person anymore - I’ll never be a person who was never sick. Instead, I have to try to dig down past the blanket and mask of chronic illness and find my true colors. So, the other day when I was watching TV and heard part of the song “True Colors” on a commercial I realized that this song really is a song for people with chronic illness. I had never listened to it this way before. So, here are the lyrics, here is a link to listen to the song (right click the song title and select "open in new window" so you can look at the lyrics while listening to the song). Take a minute to listen to it and hear what I hear when I listen to it now. Let your true colors shine!

True Colors

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness inside you
Can make you feel so small
But I see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow
Show me a smile then,
Don't be unhappy, can't remember
When I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there
And I'll see your true colors
Shining through
I see your true colors
And that's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colors
True colors are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Yours,
Penguini