Memories and Solitude

When you reflect on your life so far, what stands out for you? What event jumps first into your mind? Do you look back at your life and smile or does it bring a tear (happy or sad) to your eye? Do the good memories stand out more than the bad ones? What do you see when you think about your childhood? Do you see happy days spent on family outings to the beach or to some amusement park? Do you remember the little things that have helped to make you who you are? Or do you see that you have become who you are IN SPITE of your past experiences?

Questions. Questions upon questions upon questions. I can't answer them for you, and perhaps I can't even answer all of them for myself. The past has a funny way of either blurring together into a big blob, maybe with certain days, trips, or experiences standing out and begging to be remembered clearly. But at the same time, past experiences have a way of sneaking back up on you. It may have been years since you went through a rough breakup with a significant other and you might think you're over it, but the memories have a tendency to pop into your mind when you're not expecting them. Maybe you're driving past a place that you used to go with your girl/boyfriend and start to remember the time you spent there. Or maybe you're just sitting around watching TV or reading and all of a sudden his/her face pops up into your mind. Taken off guard, you might smile and remember the good times with that person or you might start to feel your stomach turning, still raw from the hurt that that person caused you.

Memories are funny. The ones you want to escape from the most are often the ones that stay with you the longest and become the most vivid. And some of the memories that you want to keep with you forever, for whatever reason (the brain's selective memory?), become fuzzy and fade into the background. Can you remember playing with your siblings or friends when you were really young? Did you play dress-up or house or build forts in the backyard (or living room)? Can you remember your first day of school, whenever that might have been? Can you remember your first pet? Your first big vacation? The things your family used to do on the weekends? Are these happy memories?

Okay, enough questions. I'm not sure why all of this is coming out of me right now. I've had a million ideas for things to write pop up into my mind over the past few weeks and months but of course they tend to pop up when I don't have an opportunity to write down the idea so I'll remember it. I seem to do my best thinking while driving around. I guess it's because that's a quiet time for me without a TV or AIM or anything major to distract me and I'm able to really be with myself. Of course, there's always music on in the car (usually, sometimes it's a book on tape) so that's a bit of a distraction, but there aren't any major things to take my attention away from my thoughts. Maybe it would be good for me to spend some time everyday sitting quietly with some soft music in the background - no distraction from the TV or computer to get in the way - and see what's going on in my mind.

I suspect that would be good for all of us. To stop the hustle and bustle of everyday lives and just BE. Do we as Americans even know what it is to just BE? Be us, be with ourselves, be with the noises and sights that surroud us, be with nature, be with whatever is going on around us. We are shown that if we are not doing something every minute of every day, we are being lazy. There is always SOMETHING that needs to get done - the dishes, the laundry, that trip to the grocery store to pick up some things, the grass needs mowing, the cars need washing, etc. Don't let yourself succumb to this belief. Quiet time is not only okay, it's NECESSARY if we are ever to figure out who we are and what we need. We don't really NEED that new CD, or the new computer game, or the new fancy coffee maker. What we really NEED is ourselves - to know who that is and know that it is enough.

Let the memories that want to surface, surface. Let the memories that need to be worked through come up and out of us so that we can release them into the wind and let go of what makes our hearts ache. We all have some kind of heartache, we may just think it's not there because we never give ourselves the opportunity to let it come out. We stuff it deep down and bury it with other things. But repression can only work for so long, eventually the memories will come up and out and you may not have any control over it if it gets that bad.

So take some time today and tomorrow and the next day and next week and next month. Take some time to sit in a safe place and just BE with yourself. If you have pain that you have been ignoring, let it out and let the breeze carry it away. If you have good memories that need to be remembered to remind you of who you are and what you are capable of, let those come out and strengthen your heart and soul. Renew your energy. A mind that is cluttered with too much is not going to be able to handle the everyday difficulties without slowly causing more pain and frustration. Do not let the world decide who you are for you, figure it out for yourself and don't let anyone tell you that you aren't good enough when you are just you. Believe that you are enough. You don't need to transform yourself into someone else's ideal. And in becoming who you are, you will bloom into the flower that is inside you waiting to come out.

Yours always,
Penguini