Disconnected

I'm feeling disconnected from the world. I mean, more so than usual. Usually I spend my time how I want to when I'm not working in the office of the Art Center or teaching theater class or at art camp. I rest, watch TV, spend time visiting my friends online, run errands, all that kind of stuff that make up a lot of my life. And I feel connected then. I'm in my house with my family, I can hop in my car and go out to the store if I need something or just want to get away, I'm able to watch TV or DVDs when I want to, and more than anything I'm able to just be me - not another version of me, just me. I've discovered that while I may enjoy working with kids and babysitting isn't a bad way to make some money, I'm definitely not cut out for long term babysitting. I have been housesitting and babysitting for the M's since Thursday afternoon (approaching a week). The kids are 10 (Anne) and 13 (Rady) and while they're not really a handfull the way younger kids would be, they wear me out A LOT and just the fact that I can't just spend the afternoon in bed is exhausting. I feel like I'm living a life that isn't mine, which I guess I kind of am. I'm the surrogate mother for the week (until Sunday) while their real parents are in Europe with a group of friends (the trip was paid for by a friend - the M's aren't really rich). I have to wake up at a certain time every morning to give Rady his meds (he has ADD or ADHD) and keep waking him up to get in out of bed and dressed at a reasonable time. I have to attempt to get him to do something other than playing video games or watching TV (which is more or less a losing battle), and I have to spend even my free time being awake and upright and my role as the "responsible adult in charge" is exhausting.

But back to the disconnected feeling. This isn't my life. And I'm glad this isn't my life, I actually like my life pretty well. I like my house. I love my family. And I miss all that even though I'm only about 10 minutes away from home, if that. But regardless of all that, I feel like the world is out there, my "normal" life is out there, and I'm stuck here in the house taking care of these two kids who are fun to hang out with sometimes but, as most kids would, have a tendency to get on my nerves after a while (Rady more so than Anne). I mean, I know they're just kids and keep trying to remind myself of that, but when they (and my they I pretty much mean "he") doesn't listen to me (or worse pretends to listen to me but then doesn't do what I ask him) and I feel just about ready to rip my hair out, I just want to run screaming from the house and retreat back to my regular life. I guess in a way I'm spoiled because I have somewhat minimal responsibilities and for the most part I can do my own thing, even if it consists of resting in bed most of the time.

Their parents come back on Sunday afternoon/evening and I will be overjoyed to go back to my normal life. Crawl into my bed where kids won't lounge around and watch TV (yes, they seem to forget easily that I'm the one living in their parents' room this week and they need to be respectful of that - my pillow is in the washing machine as I type this because I came back from art camp to find it wet, and of course Rady has no idea how that happened). Pop in a DVD, turn on my air conditioner (yeah, did I mention that this house, while it stays pretty cool, isn't air conditioned?), and spend a few weeks recovering from this week of living someone else's life. I'll reconnect with the world and with myself. My time will be my own and I won't have to worry about making sure the kids brush their teeth or take showers or the dog gets walked (did I mention there's a big dog, too? I'm definitely not a dog person!) or everything else is taken care of. I want my life, with all of the bad and good stuff it entails. Because my life is my own and I want to be myself again.

Yours,
Penguini