Life's a Journey

Our lives don't usually go as planned. The vision we had of the future when we were growing up doesn't quite become a reality (except in some extraordinary circumstances). Life gets in the way. But maybe life doesn't get in the way of our dreams at all. Maybe it's the other way around - our dreams, or rather the stubborn nature many of us have to hold on to our dreams, get in the way of life. It's easy to say that you should go with the flow and accept things as they come, but the reality is that some of us (maybe all of us to an extent) are planners. We make "to do" lists, we plan out our weeks, we have a plan for our lives. Maybe it's nothing extraordinary - it could just be to graduate high school, go on to college in finish in the "normal" four years to get a Bachelor's, then maybe some time off to save up some money while working full-time at some relevant (but maybe not altogether fulfilling) job, and then on to graduate school for a master's degree before settling down with a career and throw in some meaningful relationships, marriage, and kids to round the whole life plan out. It's nothing that strange, not overly optimistic, it's kind of a general, run-of-the-mill education, career, and life plan. But then things happen - illness, deaths, financial difficulties - and we are forced to veer off course. Maybe some things go according to plan - I graduated high school on time with my class (although somewhat unconventionally being homeschooled for three out of the four years of it), I applied and got into a good college and started on time, but since then it seems that the years have just been dragged out. Instead of graduating in four years as the plan was, it's taking me at least seven. I'm so thankful that I've been able to be in school and that I'm graduating at all, believe me, there were times when I really didn't think that would happen. And I've done well in school. Maybe I've had to spend more time on assignments because my brain is too fuzzy to concentrate, maybe I've turned things in late on multiple occasions, maybe I haven't gotten the grades I would have imagined on certain courses or assignments, but I'm finishing. The end is now in sight - hopefully less than six short months away. I see this as a huge accomplishment and I don't take it lightly. But at the same time, there is this question that keeps popping into my head - "what next?"

This is where I'm not sure what's getting in the way of what - whether it's my stubborn nature getting in the way of the direction life wants to take me or if life is veering me violently off course from where I was headed. But either way, I'm not going to be following the path that I had laid out for myself. My hope (notice the carefully chosen word there) that I will be able to get a part-time job - probably half-time (20 hours a week) - and make enough to save up some money and eventually be able to move out of my parents' house. It's not that I don't love my family and love spending time with them; it's that I am 24-years-old, soon to be 25-years-old, and it's so hard to be so dependent. Well, maybe it's not being dependent; it's more the lack of independence. I crave that independence of being on my own. I had never even given much thought to moving out - it was just sort of a given when thinking about growing up. And I did move out, multiple times. I lived on campus for two semesters (not consecutively) and really hated dorm-life and lived for...a few months in an apartment that really was just a disaster from the beginning (someone should have hit me on the head before I made that decision - I won't go into detail here, if you know what I'm talking about then you know what I'm talking about and if you don't, well, it's not really that important - but if you're really nosy you can ask me about it). Then I had a wonderful year living in an apartment with some wonderful roommates and that taste of independence was so great. I loved it and I loved where I was living and just the whole situation. I was flying on my own (well, sort of) and it was great. I want that again. And I want to be able to work. And go to graduate school. And be able to move around to see where I want to settle down (mainly Maine and Oregon). But life pulls me back and there's reality staring me in the face.

I know I will get to where I want to (or need to) be and it might be far from where I thought I'd be but I know there will be a space for me. I'll find a meaningful job that I can manage. I'll have a family. I'll live somewhere great. It just seems like life is moving in slow-motion as things take twice as long (or longer) than planned or anticipated. But I guess that's life. You can plan all you want, but there's no planning for the unpredictable things that pop up for all of us. I guess there's no such thing as a "life plan" unless we're willing to edit it from time to time. So write in pencil but write your past in pen so you can look back and see all that you've accomplished, regardless of whether it matches with the pencil scratchings you once inscribed. Life is a journey - enjoy the ride!

Yours,
Penguini