Hard Love
He changed me so much. He changed me in ways I never thought possible. In ways I only dreamed about and in ways I never wanted. With the good comes the bad and everything we go through shapes us a little bit more into the person we will become someday.
He helped me accept who I am. To realize that I am enough. I am good enough. Just being me is enough for someone to love and accept. But he also showed me the parts of myself that are dark, that need examination. To be brought out into the light and understood instead of shoved deeper down inside and forgotten, surging up to the surface when I feel threatened or lonely.
Love has a way of doing that - showing you the good and bad and everything in between. Things you thought you had dealt with a long time ago resurface and problems you thought would never go away seem to melt into the background. Life is a little less complicated and so much more complex all at the same time. Things are in slow motion - the world seems to stop in a single moment and you wish you could stay there forever. But things seem to spin by so fast that before you know it the moments are gone, the memories just left as a foggy reminder of what was...and the questions of what might have been. Life changes. People change. Relationships change. And they all change you in the process.
I went into that relationship so unsure, yearning for love, longing for that one person who wanted to be the world to me and about whom I felt the same way. I wanted the kind of love that's everlasting, or at least perfect in the moment. Those moments that can last a lifetime. Kisses that seem to be able to melt you. Smiling and giggling at just the thought of him and wanting to share everything. Talking on the phone for hours about everything and nothing. But things get complicated when two people who are so different come together and try to make it work. Love isn't enough sometimes.
There's a Bob Franke song called "Hard Love". That's what it was - hard love. But, as it says in the song, "Love is never wasted, even when it's hard love."
Here's the song - the first verse doesn't apply to me but everything after that resonates very well with me and my experiences.
Yours,
Penguini
posted by Penguini @ 3/09/2007 04:25:00 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
How interesting to check your blog after a long absence, and to find this entry from only 3 weeks ago but seemingly from the other side of a great divide in your life. It explains so much, but still leaves so much unexplained.
How to tell you that, though your impending departure (whether it happens in a week or a year) scares me and already breaks my heart, it also thrills me to know that you are ready to fly free to wherever you are bound! You've kept it to yourself -- was that to avoid hurting me, or because you thought I'd try to slow you down? -- but you can't avoid hurting me and that doesn't matter, and there's no way I would try to hold you back from finding the life that's waiting for you.
A blog entry and a comment is not the best way to have this conversation, but for some reason it's easier to open my heart through this stream of electrons than to knock on your door, not knowing what I'll find on the other side.
Hard love indeed, for me, to watch you prepare to leave. Our lives have been joined since yours began and nothing can change that. No matter how many miles, no matter how many years. So I wrap the sweet pain in soft cloth and put it in a place where it can rest tenderly, and let my heart rejoice in the miracle of your freedom.
--D
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